Pica...and Other Bothersomes

Fourty-four pounds of ice consumed in a week.  44. By me alone.  Hello, pica.  You have reached an all-time high.  I'm almost embarassed to admit that I actually ate this much ice in seven days, but it could be worse.  It could be cheese, or sour gummies, or brownies.  All things considered, ice doesn't cause any hard-to-shed pounds (though it will make your teeth bleed.  I know from experience.  Today.) 

I am now in my 33rd week, which means I am 32 weeks plus a couple of days pregnant (the whole counting system is very strange.)  Whichever way you look at it, he baby will be here shortly.  I am suddenly very excited and very, very nervous.  Very.  Patrick is so big and self-sufficient, and though I fear that this new baby will affect him more than Leo, I worry more about handling a new baby on top of our fort-building, obstacle-course-creating, ever-falling, house-tearing-upping littlest boy.  He's a mighty hurricane, and though he is about as sweet as they come, he's no joke.  He's made of steel and is not afraid to test it.  Oh, and his iron lungs and fierce temper?  Add those in, too.  We're going to be tired for a very long time. 

That being said, I again came across a new blog this weekend, which offered an outstanding viewpoint on pregnancy, parenthood, and kids in general.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, I seem to welcome unsolicited advice and comments from strangers--characters who comments range from the creepily-complimental to the downright inappropirate (need I bring up the gas station checkout guy who, in his very thick accent, pointed to my belly and asked if I had been doing "naughty things"?  I couldn't grab my Skittles and race out the door fast enough.)  For that reason, I appreciated this post so much that I absolutely had to share.  I offer you this:

DOMESTIC ENEMIES OF THE PREGNANT MOM

The Stephen King Storyteller. Gather round kids, it's Birth Story Time. Want to hear about a horrible episiotomy? No? Tough, you're pregnant so that means that it's compulsory for you to hear about every disgusting birth detail from the woman in line at the bank. After all, it's important to know how your next door neighbor lost her mucus plug at a BBQ. (Gork)

The Lame Namer. It’s doubtful that you and your partner have put a lot of thought into choosing a name so it’s important these folks weigh in on this decision with a couple of names they thought of on the way into work. Plus, they hate the name you were thinking of because if reminds them of a girl in high school that had a funny birthmark on her chin. Just nod and say you'll consider KanDi with a heart over the "i" and leave it at that.

The XS XL Examiner. This is the person that will ask you if there's two in there or are you sure you aren't due tomorrow instead of three months. This is the same person that will point out how tiny you are if they feel this the case as well. "Where are you hiding it?" "It looks like you've swallowed a grape." It's hard to say if it's supposed to be funny or a compliment but they usually make you feel like you should either be shot and mounted over a fireplace or that something is wrong with your now creepy, peanut baby.

The Eliza Boo Little. Just you wait Henry Higgins! This person jumps in anytime you look like you're  just a little too happy about having a baby and says "Just you wait until the baby comes. You'll never sleep, eat, laugh, breathe, screw, or go to Cincinnati again!". Clearly you don't realize how difficult it is to have a baby so it’s up to them to make sure you don’t get too excited. Babies are awful. Stupid babies.

Dr. Oz It really is amazing that you made it as far as you have considering how reckless you're being with your diet and daily routine. Normally, they wouldn’t care of course, but seeing as there’s a baby involved, they'd better get in there and smack that coffee out of your hand; or better yet, just give some dirty looks and shake their head. That will teach you. After all, they don’t want their tax dollars going towards your kid’s tail removal some day.

The Accidental Whorist. Such a charming question to ask someone if their pregnancy was an accident. It's important for these folks to let you know that they don't approve of your reproductive schedule and perhaps you should consult them next time. Clearly you are too young, old, fertile, fat, funny or tall to have a baby at this juncture in your life and frankly, they are surprised at your utter lack of judgement. These are the same people that say, "Didn't you see that?" when you stub your toe and who don't like pizza. They're just pointless.

The Sex Obessesed. Surely if you already have a girl, you're going to want a boy and vice versa. If you don't have any children they may assume you want a girl and your partner wants a boy because that's how it works. These are also the people that will swallow their tongues if you say you aren't finding out the sex. "Don't you want to know?!", "That would drive me crazy!" Perhaps it has, Asshat. Perhaps it already has.

The Egg Inquisitioner. This is the person that asks you if you've conceived naturally. It's classy because, if you've used fertility treatments you have to reveal a very personal, private part of you life and if you didn’t, then you also has to reveal a very personal, private part of you life. It's a delicious catch 22 and there is no tactful way to answer this so feel free to just fart and walk away.

The Surprised Blow Up Doll These are the folks that chime in around 37 weeks and say things like “Are you STILL pregnant.” and “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” and extra helpful “I guess it just doesn’t want to come out” – which is nice because it points out the delivery you are *clearly* putting off and it’s a little gross too.

The Silver Back Belly Toucher. Oh, you just knew if was coming. We all love the folks that just walk up and start molesting your stomach. It's especially nice when your cousin's boyfriend who smells like cheese does it and makes a “MMmmmm” noise at the same time.

This is my personal rule of thumb with this one: if you would be comfortable with them touching your thigh when not pregnant, then they would probably be okay to touch your belly....with permission.....and a hazmat suit......holding chocolate. You know, like when your girlfriend taps your leg at the movie theatre and says, "Oh my God, I forgot to tell you that I slept with David Beckham!" – I feel she would be okay to touch your belly.

Most of you are going to totally get this list yet there are always a few people that think they just can't win when it comes to pregnant woman. I would argue that pregnant gals have to deal with things like heartburn, nausea, hemorrhoids and learning what perineum is and none of us should have to know about the taint, so no. No, you can't win. Sorry. I hate to be the one to break it to you but it's best you know [insert thigh pat here.]

As for what we all should say to a pregnant woman, I love this comment that was left on the blog:

"I could see this guy eyeballing me in the elevator despite my best efforts to focus on the numbers. Right before he got off the elevator. He paused, looked at me and said, 'I bet you will have a beautiful baby.'"

I like to think he looked like David Beckham.

The majority of this post brought to you by the very clever mothers at http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/.