Original Posting Date: April 15, 2012

As I sit down to write this, I am so tired that my mind feels a little like it is running on auto-pilot.  Despite the amount of caffeine I have had tonight, I just cannot wake up my brain.  On the flip-side of that coin, I cannot make my body fall asleep.  It's a difficult dilemma.  However, it offers me time to update my blog, even if it may or may not make complete sense.  I can edit later, I suppose.

Obviously, I worked this weekend.  I work every weekend, and while that may sound painful to most, it's actually very nice.  Very, very nice.  The night staff is great.  The weekend night staff is excellent.  That, and I feel like I barely work at all, since I am home all week and don't have to miss but one day with the kids.  (Granted, this means I only really sleep as a means to catch up between my two back-to-back shifts, but it works for now.  I have noticed that my eyes always appear a little tired, but there are probably several contributing factors for that.)

On Saturday morning, I walked in the door exhausted.  Adam probably knew because I think I mumbled a string of maybe four words before picking up the baby and heading back to the bedroom to nurse him.  (Our routine is such that Adam knows to hold off Hatch's breakfast until I get home, when I can feed him while laying down together and simultaneously fall asleep.  Adam will sneak in the bedroom and check on us until Hatch is done and he takes him out of the room and lets me sleep in peace.  Like a well-oiled machine, we are.  Sometimes.)  However, I just couldn't sleep on Saturday.  As tired as I was, I could nap for an hour and then would get up.  Fall asleep again and wake once more.  Up to eat.  Up to pee.  Back to sleep.  Up once more because the boys don't understand "quiet" and down again slumped over on the couch.  Sad, really.  The saddest.  However, with both of the older boys down for a nap, Adam picked up the baby and was out the door to run errands.  In peace and quiet, I was able to squeeze in a little bit of sleep in his absence.  When Adam came home from his errands, he was beaming.  "I just bought you what might be the best and most thoughtful present I have ever given you," he said.  (Knowing Adam, I honestly prepped for him to pull out a dancing and singing animal from the seasonal aisle at CVS.)  However, what he pulled out was actually "the best and most thoughtful present."  A super-nice new pillow and a sleep mask.  Sounds ridiculous, right?  Only, it's not.  Adam can tell you.  He was sound asleep on the pillow (but minus the mask) about 20 minutes after he pulled it out of the packaging.  I had my own spin with it today, though, and I can assure you...it's fabulous.  The mask does wonders, too.  I may look ridiculous and slightly diva-esque, but I care exactly not at all.  I am so excited for what these two items have in store for my immediate future.  Truly.

I found out very shortly after starting the night shift that the working itself is not too bad.  Staying awake is generally not a problem.  However, the drive home is the pits.  It's not ok.  Borderline dangerous.  Yesterday was the worst it's ever been, and I believe I dozed off a handful of times.  Thankfully, I'd like to tell myself it was when the car was stopped.  I hope that's the case.  (I promised Adam I would just pull over and sleep next time.  Also, I promised I will no longer turn on the seat warmer.  I don't think that helps much.)  Today was actually good.  I felt not-so-bad driving.  I was driving and singing and dancing, all to keep myself focused and moving.  And I did.  Two miles past my exit.  Hmmm.  C-.  But I made it home and did not fall asleep, so I should get extra credit points for that. 

I make this sound miserable, but it's not.  I'm figuring it out.  I keep telling myself that it's not forever, it's for now.  And, for where we are in life right now, the sacrifice is worth it, just as long as I can stay away for my drives home.  I'm working on it.