No More Fat Jokes

I'm painfully tired and mildly grumpy, and though it has been a while since I have posted anything, I have been making lists in my head of things about which I would like to write.  To follow is a little bit the general public needs to know.  Consider it a free public service announcement.  In case you are prone to any of the following, you are welcome in advance for saving you any embarassment.

1.) Fat jokes are not good.  Ever.  Even when the recipient is pregnant...no...especially when the recipient is pregnant, fat jokes are not funny.  I am growing a child.  I'm supposed to gain weight.  Asking me if the chair I am sitting in has a weight limit is not funny.  But if you insist we talk about the extra 15 pounds I have gained while growing another human, let's talk about the 15 you've gained in the last several months from sitting on your ass.  Keep it to yourself.

2.) Along the same lines, smiling and chuckling as I order a single cookie from Subway is not acceptable.  It's not cute.  I'm hungry.  Also, don't ask if the "baby wants the cookie."  The baby can barely open its eyes and has no concept of cookies.  I want the cookie.  And I'm allowed that.  Joe Smith walking down the street orders a cookie and nobody cares.  Stop assuming everything is a craving. 

3.)  If I don't know you, I really find it inappropriate for you to ask how much my husband and I "enjoy each other."  I'm pregnant.  We all know how I got this way.  You don't need details.  Unless you are one of the three people on the planet with whom I share these details, and especially if we have never before met, questions along these lines are just weird.  Come on. 

4.) Don't use the word "waddle," even if it is "You look so cute waddling down the hallway."  Waddling is not good.  Censor.  Please.  What if I were to say, "It's adorable how your ass barely fits in that chair!"  Just rude.

5.)  "So I assume this is the last one for you?"  You assume?  Really?  I assume you're an idiot for making that comment. 

Now, as to not sound like a completely intolerant B, asking questions is perfectly acceptable.  Making comments is generally nice, and most people are great.  Things like, "So, do you want more children?", "The cookies here are great", "Don't worry about the weight; you're supposed to put it on" are completely fine.  Nice even.  I love to talk about my pregnancy, but don't make it sound disgusting, unwanted, humorous, etc.  It's a personal and physical struggle as it is; worth it, but a struggle nonetheless.  I don't need the mouths of strangers to make it even more awkard. 

In advance, thank you.  Barely three months to go!