Finally...

(...a change from these fake rap artists; me and Nas bringing it to your hardest...)  No, I'm kidding.  But tell me you didn't think of it, too.  Or perhaps I am the only 30+ year-old with a secret hip-hop love affair?

Seriously, I am sitting down to finally write an actual blog post and not one that will just suffice for a while.  The truth is, I wasn't sure about what to write as of lately.  I'm fine; the kids are fine; Adam is fine; our jobs are fine.  So what, then?  I should have plenty to tell you about.  But I didn't.  Because, as a whole, I have spent the last couple of weeks in a state of disappointment. 

We spend a lot of time with people.  We are a social family.  Adam and I deal with the public all day every day.  The kids have learned how to be outgoing and socially acceptable.  And yet...

I am disappointed in people; disappointed in social norms.  I am disappointed in the lack of manners in the general population.  I am disappointed in how niceties are considered something extraordinary and not something expected.  I am disappointed that it is considered more acceptable to deny any wrong-doings than it is to own them and apologize.  I am disappointed infuriated with the new-found sense of social entitlement.  I am disappointed that holding others accountable is worse than any actual crime.  I am disappointed in how we treat one another...all of us (including me.)  I am disappointed that this is just how things are.  I deal with a lot of people every single day.  Mostly, I am disappointed that my kids run the risk of growing up to be like this (insert cringe.)

More than anything, I want my kids to be nice people.  I don't want my family to teach how to be mean, to be entitled, to be unjust, to be exclusive of others.  I don't want my kids to learn these things, but they will.  Sigh.  They will, because, if they walk out the door, it is there.  (And if I continue to take my frustrations out at the occassional bank rep who calls from our old financial institution, they will learn it before they walk out the door.  Shoot.)

So, I'm stuck with worrying about how to fix it.  (And, again, I do.)  Since they are so little, I supposed it starts with us.  And, like the rest of us, we have some learning to do.

I make mistakes all the time.  Every single day.  But I know right from wrong.  I am generally very nice to people.  And I apologize. (What is so wrong with saying I'm sorry?  Seriously, I don't get it.)  I think half of the population needs to go back to preschool.

At Patrick's school, they learn very early (day 1) the difference between a loving choice and an unloving choice.  If 3 and 4 year-olds can understand this (and say sorry), then why can't adults?  What's worse is what this behavior is learned from generation to generation, and suddenly we're stuck with a society of liars and cover-uppers and deniers and...well...fill-in-the-blank.  And though I am far from a perfect parent, I do try my damndest my to raise good kids.  I should have been looking for resources from the get-go, but since I just recently started to worry about what the future holds for my (now) good boys, I am now looking with a purpose.  Here are a few good pointers:

As it turns out, children have an inborn capacity for compassion. Small in stature themselves, they naturally identify with stuffed animals, other kids, pets, and underdogs. The tricky part is that their empathy must compete with other developmental forces, including limited impulse control -- which makes them pull the cat's tail -- and their belief that their needs absolutely must come first -- which makes it hard for them to let their cousin push the cool fire truck.

But with so much hatred and turmoil in the world today, it seems more important than ever to raise kids who can understand and be kind to other people. Teaching this doesn't mean lectures or visits to soup kitchens. It's part of day-to-day life: how you answer your child's questions, how you solve conflict at the park, how you nudge his or her growing capacity to understand and think about other people. Temperament of course plays a role -- some kids are naturally more tuned in to other people's feelings and difficulties, while others are a bit oblivious. Either way, you have influence in fostering your child's ability to empathize. Age by age, here's how to do so in small, daily doses:

Promote sweetness

Teaching your child ways to treat things with care helps him develop the understanding that actions have consequences.

Show how to be gentle. Your child wants to be friendly but ends up grabbing the baby roughly? Demonstrate another way. "I say, 'We use our hands to give love,'" says Kimberly Mazone of Dresden, Maine, mother of 4-year-old Sienna and 3-month-old Lucca. "'You're being a little bit rough. Let's be gentle. Let's show our love with our hands.'" You can actually take his hand and show him physically what a gentle touch is.

Speak softly. Your kindness will be a role model for how to treat others. When your child's in pain, be warm and caring.  Young toddlers don't have a very consistent long-term memory, so you'll have to repeat your lessons more times than you thought possible.

Reject rudeness. "I see fifteen-month-olds who do things like spit into their parents' faces, and the parents laugh," says Susan Jensen, a mom of two and director of Children's Nook preschool, in North Charleston, South Carolina. This will not do. Compassion requires that your child respect others, including you. Gently but firmly, say "No, you may not spit!" In the same loving but no-nonsense manner, remove his little feet from the table and unlock his fist from your hair.

Say "I'm sorry." If you've been short-tempered with your child, apologize to him. All parents make mistakes. It's how you address them afterward that makes the difference. He'll learn that everyone, even Mom, admits it when she's wrong.

Enforce rules

Consistent limits help your toddler see that her behavior (and misbehavior!) affects others.

Provide structure. It might seem that if you want to raise a compassionate, caring child, you just have to be a compassionate, caring parent. But that's not enough. Even the most nurturing, loving parenting requires firm limits on behavior, or you'll get very self-centered children.  Make unacceptable behavior, like hitting, always unacceptable -- even if it's her birthday. If something is wrong it has to be wrong all the time.

Expect her to help.  It's all about teaching the Golden Rule. "You need to love your neighbor as yourself, even if you don't particularly feel like it."

Use manners to connect. With the exciting (and noisy!) arrival of the garbage truck, talk about how we're all connected: The farmer grows the food, we throw out the peels or waste, and the trash collector picks it up. If your child's out watching the trash collector, she can say "thank you." Good manners, which keep us coexisting harmoniously, are one way to show compassion.

"There's another person at the other end of the relationship who has feelings and deserves respect."

Guide friendship

Stay tuned in during playtime so you can help your child figure out how to be a friend.

Outlaw name-calling. Compassion starts with what's acceptable and what's not.

Give consequences. If the be-nice rule is broken, stick with simple, concrete consequences such as a brief time-out or losing a special toy for a day. A 3-year-old's abstract thinking is weak, so she's too young to understand that being nice is morally the right thing to do; your efforts, therefore, should be directed at helping her resist impulses so she won't get in trouble.

Label kindness. When you catch your child offering a shovel to a friend in the sandbox, label her actions by saying "What a good friend you are," or "You're very thoughtful." Over time, she'll understand that being a helpful friend, sister, neighbor, and human being is something you value.

Be considerate yourself. While it's tempting to hand out birthday-party invitations at the park instead of going to the trouble of mailing them, explain to your child that kids who see other children getting invitations but don't receive one themselves may feel hurt. And all through the year, get her in the habit of sending cards to friends and relatives who could use a kind word: thank-you notes, sympathy cards, get-well wishes. For a child not yet up to writing a message, even a drawing is great.

Don't trash talk. Kids, as we know, are always listening. How we talk on a daily basis about our own siblings, parents, and relatives tells them a lot. If children hear us saying something really negative about Grandma, they learn that it's OK to talk that way. So keep meanness in check: "Show them you have a spirit of kindness and generosity."

Build on their smarts

Your child's made cognitive and emotional leaps -- help him understand others' feelings.

Explore feelings. With an increasing vocabulary, a 6-year-old is able to communicate more about emotions. Talking about book characters is a good way to help. "We'd read Snow White and I'd ask, 'Why do you think the witch was jealous of Snow White?'" says Rev. Gatta, who's also a mom of a 12-year-old. "Later, maybe in the car, we'd talk about characters' motives and feelings."

Monitor media. If the characters on television are hitting each other or calling each other names, shut off the TV or, at least, talk about what's going on. Children don't just watch TV, they internalize it, and they don't get irony, so be careful of what they're memorizing.

Point out heroes. The siren of a fire truck, not to mention a newspaper photograph of a bomb attack, can make a 4-year-old worry. Shield him from disturbing images as much as possible, but when he hears or sees something frightening, focus the conversation on the firefighters, rescue workers, doctors, or volunteers who are there to help us.

Expect more. When it comes to your child's responsibility to be caring and compassionate, set your standards high. Don't let teasing or bullying go unaddressed. At 7 and 8, kids are starting to be able to see the world from another person's perspective. In a complicated and troubled world, it's easy to feel that nothing we do will make a difference. This can lead to compassion burnout -- for us and for our kids. The key is to start small.

Contributing editor Jane Meredith Adams writes for the Chicago Tribune, San Francisco magazine and Health.