It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like...

...Christmas, sort of.  I mean, it would if I would finish my Christmas shopping or start wrapping presents, but the house is decorated (even tiny Patrick has crafted some of his own decorations), lights are up, tree looks great (minus that strand of lights that went out.  It bothered me for a hot minute, but I really don't want to have to re-do the tree to fix it.)

Last week, we took the kids on a Christmas Lights Tour, which included:



A stop at Starbucks for Hot Cocoa...

 Two rounds through Reynold's Farm Equipment...

 And at least half of the Christmas on Victory light show.



 

We also took some time to make a Gingerbread House:

Alas, there are still the "important" things left undone.  Knowing that, I spent the entire day today on the couch with a heating pad and several snuggling babies.  Mind you, Adam is home, so I technically could have finished my to-do list, but

1.) I worked the last four days and am very tired.
2.) I slept on the air mattress a few days ago during a family slumber party and my neck still hurts.
3.) I still feel a wee bit under the weather--leftover from Friday's 24 hour-ish bug
4.) I just cannot get enough of these boys lately.

You'd have to have been under a rock to not know what happened in CT last week.  You'd have to be born without a heart to not be devastated by it.  And, in light of such a tragic event, I feel like I need to spend ample amounts of time with my babies.  I feel a responsibility to make them feel secure and loved and hopeful and to make sure all is right in their tiny little heads. 

Slowing down and taking a day off with the boys was good for the soul.  And these kids, these little babies who have been such a blessing in our lives, are awesome.  Just awesome.

A few things to note:

1.) Leo is doing really well with potty training!  He wants new underwear for Christmas, and really loves the accessibility that said underwear gives him to his favorite toy.  You figure that out. 

2.) Hatch is learning new words.  "Head down" and "Poopie" are two new ones.  So is his name...which he thinks is "Baby."  My fault.

3.) Patrick has turned the corner to big-kid land.  I love to hear him talk.  Sunday night, I got home from work at 1am and climbed up the the top bunk to wake him and convince him to come snuggle with me.  It took him a minute to wake up, but when he did, he was confused.  "What are you doing, Daddy?"  "It's Mommy.  I just want you to come snuggle me.  I can't fall asleep."  He didn't hesitate a second, climbed right down that ladder and said, "Oh, yes.  Of course, of course."

Life at the Waldens is good.  Correction:  It's Merry.  Very Merry.

Post-Script (Post-Video?)

If you are ever feeling down/angry/frustrated, take this tip, which I learned from my sister-in-law (thanks, Camille!).  Get in the car, roll up the windows (or roll them down--this part is more of a preference), put on this song and sing along as loud as you want.  It also helps to rock it out a little bit.  Trust me on this one.  When the song is over, you'll want to do it again. 

I'm Back

Hello, friends!  I am back!  (Well, I am back for now.  Back for good?  I'll work on it.)

In the past week(s), here are a few things you have missed:

1.) Adam and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary.  Sixth.  Wedding anniversary.  And do you know what is awesome about that?  Spending six years with the best friend/most competent and compatible/wonderful person I have yet to meet.  Every year, I get to reflect on how imperative Adam is to this family and recently, as we are growing out of a very long baby stage in our house, Adam and I have really learned to appreciate each other and the time we spend together.  Adam is a magic-maker.  Always has been, always will be.  This year's anniversary included:

-Chocolates
-Pearls (!)
-Dinner at Recess
-Drinks at Twenty Tap
-Love, love, lovelovelove (and appreciation, which, at this point in our lives, goes a very long way.) 

Adam is good people.  These boys and I are really very lucky, and that is the truth.

2.) Thanksgiving was a success.  That was, until Ariane made pitchers of margaritas that included more tequila than I believe the recipe called for, and I was asleep before ten.  Or nine.  Whatever.  However, it was an awesome holiday with awesome family (and my little sister did her very first Thanksgiving meal, beating me to that milestone by a longshot.  Show-off.)

3.) Otto (our Scout Elf) made a return visit!  This means little to you, I'm sure, but I know three little boys who are incredibly excited about it.

4.) Boy updates:

Patrick is doing really well in school.  He wants to badly to be grown, and it shows.  I register him for kindergarten soon, and it doesn't seem possible.  Little Pjew is fantastic (and smart...and a good little artist, it turns out.)

Leo is wild.  Huge surprise there.  However, he's so loving and affectionate that it's hard to stay mad at him.  Even when he knocks himself out cold on a doorframe (happened) or almost shoves his top teeth through his chin in a nasty fall (also happened) or throws incredibly large objects with his toddler Hulk-like strength (a ladder).  Eesh.  However, he's taking to potty training pretty well, which gives me hope that he's at least capable of being civilized and not completely feral.

Hatch.  At fourteen months today (what??), he is almost running, short and stout, with a contagious little laughter and a genuine little smile.  While we used to joke about how scrappy he is, we were right.  Out of all three of the boys he is the only one who, when charged, will dig in his heels, tuck in his chin, and brace himself for a tackle rather than turn the other way and run.  I thought today about the man who predicted Hatch's sex and his personality (and size, which has so far turned out to be wrong.)  However, he said once that he would have a big presence...and he does.  Perhaps it is in the eyes, but I think of my dad when I look at Hatch.  Very likable, not very tall, and a little fierce and intimidating.  Still, Hatch is my little lover-baby, and when he rubs his cheek against mine and says, "Mommy," I can't help but to breathe him in .  He's so loved. 

They all are, and this time of year is especially fun around here.  Between the tree and the lights and the ornaments and the smells and the Christmas lists and Otto and Gingerbread houses (one under construction currently), there are a lot of festivities here.  Adam and I are blessed.  Whether we always realize it, we are.  (I could use snow.  And a little cold weather.  Just saying.)

Which brings me to my next point.  The last few weeks, I haven't blogged much because I really didn't feel like I had anything good to say.  I felt a lot of pressure between the new job, my own (sometimes debilitating) self-criticism, personal family issues, etc. that I wasn't sure how to recount a story and make light of it.  I just couldn't see the big picture, and I'm sorry about that.  I like to fix problems by talking them to death, but when it stings too much to verbalize how I feel, I struggle with resolution.  However, I'm working through it.  I am sometimes my own worst enemy in terms of over-analyzing, reliving the past, doubting even my own intentions.  I can certainly own that much.  (The job, by the way, kicks ass.  No really.  In every sense.  It's as awesome and rewarding as much as it is physically and mentally tough.  It kicks my ass, at least.) 

This time of year is great for cleansing the mind, I think.  It's great to put things back into perspective.  While I am a couple of weeks late, It should be still appropriate to be thankful for the things I have: job, husband, kids, sister(!), parents, in-laws, intentions, thoughts, loves, memories, fights, internal battles, coffee mugs, lipstick (some things are essential), tastes, habits, interests...life.  I have a good life. 

It's true.

Life, According to Patrick Walden

"Leo, you are learning how life works. When I tell you I am eating poop and you find out it was really chocolate and I just didn't want to share it with you, that is a life lesson. You'll see."

I hate the post below (well, two below, really.) I really do. I have thought all week about how to fix it, but I have nothing. Rather than delete it, I will own it. I will also promise more positive postings in the next day or so. Pinky swear.

Whew.  And now I feel so much better.  I'll have more to write about soon.

Finally...

(...a change from these fake rap artists; me and Nas bringing it to your hardest...)  No, I'm kidding.  But tell me you didn't think of it, too.  Or perhaps I am the only 30+ year-old with a secret hip-hop love affair?

Seriously, I am sitting down to finally write an actual blog post and not one that will just suffice for a while.  The truth is, I wasn't sure about what to write as of lately.  I'm fine; the kids are fine; Adam is fine; our jobs are fine.  So what, then?  I should have plenty to tell you about.  But I didn't.  Because, as a whole, I have spent the last couple of weeks in a state of disappointment. 

We spend a lot of time with people.  We are a social family.  Adam and I deal with the public all day every day.  The kids have learned how to be outgoing and socially acceptable.  And yet...

I am disappointed in people; disappointed in social norms.  I am disappointed in the lack of manners in the general population.  I am disappointed in how niceties are considered something extraordinary and not something expected.  I am disappointed that it is considered more acceptable to deny any wrong-doings than it is to own them and apologize.  I am disappointed infuriated with the new-found sense of social entitlement.  I am disappointed that holding others accountable is worse than any actual crime.  I am disappointed in how we treat one another...all of us (including me.)  I am disappointed that this is just how things are.  I deal with a lot of people every single day.  Mostly, I am disappointed that my kids run the risk of growing up to be like this (insert cringe.)

More than anything, I want my kids to be nice people.  I don't want my family to teach how to be mean, to be entitled, to be unjust, to be exclusive of others.  I don't want my kids to learn these things, but they will.  Sigh.  They will, because, if they walk out the door, it is there.  (And if I continue to take my frustrations out at the occassional bank rep who calls from our old financial institution, they will learn it before they walk out the door.  Shoot.)

So, I'm stuck with worrying about how to fix it.  (And, again, I do.)  Since they are so little, I supposed it starts with us.  And, like the rest of us, we have some learning to do.

I make mistakes all the time.  Every single day.  But I know right from wrong.  I am generally very nice to people.  And I apologize. (What is so wrong with saying I'm sorry?  Seriously, I don't get it.)  I think half of the population needs to go back to preschool.

At Patrick's school, they learn very early (day 1) the difference between a loving choice and an unloving choice.  If 3 and 4 year-olds can understand this (and say sorry), then why can't adults?  What's worse is what this behavior is learned from generation to generation, and suddenly we're stuck with a society of liars and cover-uppers and deniers and...well...fill-in-the-blank.  And though I am far from a perfect parent, I do try my damndest my to raise good kids.  I should have been looking for resources from the get-go, but since I just recently started to worry about what the future holds for my (now) good boys, I am now looking with a purpose.  Here are a few good pointers:

As it turns out, children have an inborn capacity for compassion. Small in stature themselves, they naturally identify with stuffed animals, other kids, pets, and underdogs. The tricky part is that their empathy must compete with other developmental forces, including limited impulse control -- which makes them pull the cat's tail -- and their belief that their needs absolutely must come first -- which makes it hard for them to let their cousin push the cool fire truck.

But with so much hatred and turmoil in the world today, it seems more important than ever to raise kids who can understand and be kind to other people. Teaching this doesn't mean lectures or visits to soup kitchens. It's part of day-to-day life: how you answer your child's questions, how you solve conflict at the park, how you nudge his or her growing capacity to understand and think about other people. Temperament of course plays a role -- some kids are naturally more tuned in to other people's feelings and difficulties, while others are a bit oblivious. Either way, you have influence in fostering your child's ability to empathize. Age by age, here's how to do so in small, daily doses:

Promote sweetness

Teaching your child ways to treat things with care helps him develop the understanding that actions have consequences.

Show how to be gentle. Your child wants to be friendly but ends up grabbing the baby roughly? Demonstrate another way. "I say, 'We use our hands to give love,'" says Kimberly Mazone of Dresden, Maine, mother of 4-year-old Sienna and 3-month-old Lucca. "'You're being a little bit rough. Let's be gentle. Let's show our love with our hands.'" You can actually take his hand and show him physically what a gentle touch is.

Speak softly. Your kindness will be a role model for how to treat others. When your child's in pain, be warm and caring.  Young toddlers don't have a very consistent long-term memory, so you'll have to repeat your lessons more times than you thought possible.

Reject rudeness. "I see fifteen-month-olds who do things like spit into their parents' faces, and the parents laugh," says Susan Jensen, a mom of two and director of Children's Nook preschool, in North Charleston, South Carolina. This will not do. Compassion requires that your child respect others, including you. Gently but firmly, say "No, you may not spit!" In the same loving but no-nonsense manner, remove his little feet from the table and unlock his fist from your hair.

Say "I'm sorry." If you've been short-tempered with your child, apologize to him. All parents make mistakes. It's how you address them afterward that makes the difference. He'll learn that everyone, even Mom, admits it when she's wrong.

Enforce rules

Consistent limits help your toddler see that her behavior (and misbehavior!) affects others.

Provide structure. It might seem that if you want to raise a compassionate, caring child, you just have to be a compassionate, caring parent. But that's not enough. Even the most nurturing, loving parenting requires firm limits on behavior, or you'll get very self-centered children.  Make unacceptable behavior, like hitting, always unacceptable -- even if it's her birthday. If something is wrong it has to be wrong all the time.

Expect her to help.  It's all about teaching the Golden Rule. "You need to love your neighbor as yourself, even if you don't particularly feel like it."

Use manners to connect. With the exciting (and noisy!) arrival of the garbage truck, talk about how we're all connected: The farmer grows the food, we throw out the peels or waste, and the trash collector picks it up. If your child's out watching the trash collector, she can say "thank you." Good manners, which keep us coexisting harmoniously, are one way to show compassion.

"There's another person at the other end of the relationship who has feelings and deserves respect."

Guide friendship

Stay tuned in during playtime so you can help your child figure out how to be a friend.

Outlaw name-calling. Compassion starts with what's acceptable and what's not.

Give consequences. If the be-nice rule is broken, stick with simple, concrete consequences such as a brief time-out or losing a special toy for a day. A 3-year-old's abstract thinking is weak, so she's too young to understand that being nice is morally the right thing to do; your efforts, therefore, should be directed at helping her resist impulses so she won't get in trouble.

Label kindness. When you catch your child offering a shovel to a friend in the sandbox, label her actions by saying "What a good friend you are," or "You're very thoughtful." Over time, she'll understand that being a helpful friend, sister, neighbor, and human being is something you value.

Be considerate yourself. While it's tempting to hand out birthday-party invitations at the park instead of going to the trouble of mailing them, explain to your child that kids who see other children getting invitations but don't receive one themselves may feel hurt. And all through the year, get her in the habit of sending cards to friends and relatives who could use a kind word: thank-you notes, sympathy cards, get-well wishes. For a child not yet up to writing a message, even a drawing is great.

Don't trash talk. Kids, as we know, are always listening. How we talk on a daily basis about our own siblings, parents, and relatives tells them a lot. If children hear us saying something really negative about Grandma, they learn that it's OK to talk that way. So keep meanness in check: "Show them you have a spirit of kindness and generosity."

Build on their smarts

Your child's made cognitive and emotional leaps -- help him understand others' feelings.

Explore feelings. With an increasing vocabulary, a 6-year-old is able to communicate more about emotions. Talking about book characters is a good way to help. "We'd read Snow White and I'd ask, 'Why do you think the witch was jealous of Snow White?'" says Rev. Gatta, who's also a mom of a 12-year-old. "Later, maybe in the car, we'd talk about characters' motives and feelings."

Monitor media. If the characters on television are hitting each other or calling each other names, shut off the TV or, at least, talk about what's going on. Children don't just watch TV, they internalize it, and they don't get irony, so be careful of what they're memorizing.

Point out heroes. The siren of a fire truck, not to mention a newspaper photograph of a bomb attack, can make a 4-year-old worry. Shield him from disturbing images as much as possible, but when he hears or sees something frightening, focus the conversation on the firefighters, rescue workers, doctors, or volunteers who are there to help us.

Expect more. When it comes to your child's responsibility to be caring and compassionate, set your standards high. Don't let teasing or bullying go unaddressed. At 7 and 8, kids are starting to be able to see the world from another person's perspective. In a complicated and troubled world, it's easy to feel that nothing we do will make a difference. This can lead to compassion burnout -- for us and for our kids. The key is to start small.

Contributing editor Jane Meredith Adams writes for the Chicago Tribune, San Francisco magazine and Health.

I'm Sorry

To My Kids-

I am so sorry every time I raise my voice to you.  I am so sorry that I ever assume you know something without ever having taught you.  I'm sorry for my sometimes unreasonably high expecations and my failing memory of what it feels like to be so little.

You kids are incredible human beings.  You are great, great kids.  I'm sorry for yelling at you today.  I would go into your rooms right now and tell you myself, but then I would wake you and what you need more than anything is sleep.  (In fact, that is what I was trying to tell you today when I got so upset with you.) 

Sweet dreams, little boys.  Tomorrow will be a brand new day.  I promise you.

Love,
Mom

Insomnia.

Insomnia: the only word I can use to describe why I would wake up at 2am and absolutely not be able to go back to sleep. The high point of this, however, is that the house is clean (at least the parts of it where there are not sleeping people), two loads of laundry done, folded, and put away, and I am just getting ready to settle in with my beloved DVR. My hope is that I don't pay for this lack of sleep later on today. (It is, after all, the day we are celebrating my beloved Adam's 34th birthday.) Turn off, brain! Go to bed!

There is an occurrence that happens every day around here that never loses it's impact.  Every day, at around the same time, I get the chance block out the world for a few minutes.  Every single day, I think to myself, "I don't ever want to forget this."  But I might.  And so I'm writing it down.

Nighttime around here is hectic.  Between Leo's hungry whines and Patrick's question after question and Hatch getting into absolutely anything he can (usually the dog food), it's not uncommon that we're a little overwhelmed by the time dinner gets on the table.  Frequently, Hatch gets overlooked as he sits quietly and eats his meal.  Come six-thirty, that quiet little boy starts to get the signature tired sweats.  He may start to fall down.  He rubs his eyes.  A few swings from his sippy and a fresh diaper later, and he's ready for bed.

He'll wave night-night to Adam and he's down the hall to his room.  With the lights out and the fan on, Hatch takes one look at me and, without fail, effortlessly swings one arm around my neck.  The other, he pulls in next to his face and he lays his head on my shoulder and closes his eyes.  He just stays there, perfectly still aside from the rise and fall of his back, as I sway him for a few minutes before putting him down in his crib.  Those few minutes, in (nearly) perfect silence, with the smell of my sweet baby's fine hair and the sweat beads on his nose...they are precious.  And fleeting.  And, more than any other part of his baby-ness, I will miss these minutes together horribly. 

No matter my mood, I always find myself looking forward to putting Hatch to bed.  As I lay him down and fluff his blanket over him, sometimes he laughs, closes his eyes, and lays there with a tiny smile on his face.  He makes life so simple.  All of the boys bring with them such an awesome gift, (each one as necessary to me as the next) and this is his--his easy, simple, happy persona.  My greatest wish for him is that he never loses it.  (And, Hatch, if you are reading this one day and you feel like you have, find it.  It's beautiful.) 

It occurred to us this weekend, as we dropped Hatch off for his first overnight, that we don't have a baby in our house any longer.  Technically (although not to me), Hatch is a toddler.  He requires no special baby equipment.  No bouncy seat, no bottles.  He can sometimes tell us what he wants, he learns new tricks every day (the newest of which was stealing his brothers toys, which was very quickly followed by learning how to make a run for it).  No more baby at the Waldens.

No more baby at the Waldens.  Sigh.